and today was a day just like any other.

It's been a really long time.

I feel like I come across this thing at the strangest times. I doubt anyone uses this anymore but I need to vent and I don't really care.

Apparently, I suffer from anxiety and today I suffered my third intense panic attack. Seriously? What the fuck? Like life isn't complicated enough without it?

For an overview.

School is stressing me out. It always is. I hate being asked what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know. I don't know if I have the confidence, motivation, drive, smarts, any of that stuff to actually pursue what I want. Which of course, is to go to Duke University School of Law. BIG dreams.

Then of course there's that always omnipresent family issue. Family is good and bad for the same reason: they're always there. Therefore, the problems always exist. I hate being the one my family relies on, my dad's side at least. The first one to go to college, let alone be on full scholarship. I hate always feeling like if I mess up I'm going to be the family's biggest let down. If I can't get us out of this rut, then who can? And I hate being compared to my sister, I know she's had rough times, but who hasn't? She doesn't deserve the ridicule. But as much as I defend her, I wish that she would consider others when she makes decisions and I wish she wasn't so stubborn. I wish she would understand just how much I love her and how much I wish our childhood was different so that our adulthood would be better for the both of us.

And you know, what's every girl's constant problem? Guys. Sometimes I don't think their existence is necessary on this earth. This semester I've tried to really open my mind to things I may have never considered before. For instance, this semester I've starting dating someone who NONE of my friends ever expected me to go for. A 6 foot 9 inch, basketball player named Jawaan. I like the kid so much that he gives me hives. It's pretty serious, haaha. He's painfully shy and stressing me out.

Thus, all this boils up and freak out. I know it doesn't seem like much when you look at those things as a whole, but it's all the other things that go along with it that eat at you and make you over think and you become consumed with all of these thoughts that you physically and mentally cannot do or think of anything else. It's like your entire body is rebelling against what you know is right and what you ought to do or what you should be doing.

But you know the universe has this funny way of playing games with you. And as much as it sucks to think about now, and as much as you wish it would just all go away at this moment, there's always something that will keep you going.

I don't know what made me talk to Justin tonight of all nights, but some force bigger than he and I definitely made this happen. And I'm not one to talk about spirituality, but it was just real.
I know that what we're both going through is hard to handle and difficult to understand, but we are who we are. I feel like you always have those moments where you just need someone, anyone to understand and I think a lot of people underestimate the power of what others are going through.

"There are 6 billion souls in this world, and sometimes...all you need is one." There's no other way to put it. I can't imagine how much worse things could have gotten if he wasn't there tonight. He brought me back and he doesn't even know it.

He may never read this but...
I love you more than you know and you're one of the best friends anyone could EVER hope for. You're gonna get through this...we both will...together.

"I'm forever indebted to you. I hope you feel the same. You seem like such a big part of my life and my heart." - The Spill Canvas



-- Jill

So I've realized it's been a pretty long time since I've written in this thing so here goes nothing. I know that nobody even reads this thing so it's really only here for my own sake.

Spring break just past. My friend Amanda from UB came home with me. I didn't expect to have as much fun as I did, but it turned out to be a blast. I got my first tattoo. It's on my foot. It hurt like a bitch but probably one of the most worth while things I've ever done in my life. I also got to see my cousins who came over for my uncle's wedding which is in a week. I missed them SO much, especially James.

I also realized how much I mean to Alex. For so long, I've been questioning it and now that I know, I'm petrified of it. For a while, I didn't want to be hooking up with Alex, I wanted to be in a relationship with him. Apparently he's going to ask me out this week, and at first I was so excited and now my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I'm terrified. I don't want to fuck it up. And it's weird cause I know I won't do anything to but I'm afraid I'll get too annoyed with him or bored. I don't want him to get super attached, I don't want him to be whipped, I don't want him to like me more than I like him. I want it to be even and I'm so scared that if he does it'll make me like him less...if that makes any sense. It's like once I get what I want, I don't want it anymore. I hate to say it but I feel like I'm only in it for the chase and once it's caught, I'm over it. I'm so scared to hurt him. He's perfect for me and I don't understand why I can't just accept that.

Other than all that shit, I've been super stressed out with school. But hopefully I'll have some downtime because Allie is coming to visit me tomorrow! I can't wait to see her! It's been over two months and that just doesn't fly.

I guess I just needed a vent. See ya.

It's been a few weeks. I always feel like it's a lot longer since my last post than it actually is.

I'm three weeks into my second semester now. The work is killing me but the semester hasn't started out too, too bad. I had an anxiety last week which is why I have been extremely distant towards some people or haven't returned calls or anything. (Kati, I apologize, I know you've been trying to reach out.) I'm a lot better now even though my mom thinks I should go see someone, I'm considering it only because my attack scared the shit out of me and I really don't want to have to go through that again.

On a lighter note...this new guy named Alex moved in with my friend Andrew Josh down the hall. He's a really cool kid and I've pretty much spent everyday with him these last few weeks. I like him so much. I've been complaining to practically everyone that I'm so scared that if I don't make a move I'm going to end up being his best friend just like I do everyone else, but I don't have the confidence to make that move. At least I didn't...until Saturday.

I finally got over my fear and just went for it and it worked out in my favor just like everyone told me. It's nothing serious as of right now but I'm just so incredibly happy. Valentine? Maybe. I'm just taking it slow but I haven't stopped smiling for three days, it's actually starting to hurt my face.

Ahh let's hope this continues to go well!

Moving on. Dan is coming back this summer! I'm so excited, I can't even begin to describe it! He comes back May 1st and I should (hopefully) be back from Buffalo by then. I'll be even happier if he gets into UB for grad school and decides to come here, I might actually die.

So I'm pretty excited altogether.
Missing home!
Update soon!

It's all over now.
It's about an hour now until I leave for school and I just said my final goodbye to Steph.

As previously stated this has been a fabulous break home. It only got better last night.

Craig came back to New York from being in Utila, Honduras for two months on dive masters training. It hadn't been that long since I had last seen him, most recently the weekend before Halloween. After an exchange of a few confusing phone calls we finally made some arrangements. He came by the house last night and we stayed up and chatted for what seemed like days but it was only a mere two hours. I forgot what good company he kept.

He had me laughing the entire time. It was so good to listen to him speak and tell his stories, one of his best attributes. He's Craig. There's just no other way to describe him. He's just great.

I'm usually not so good with goodbyes. There's usually a ton of tears involved, especially with people I love, but with Craig, I've never cried. Not to say he doesn't mean a lot to me but I guess I have to be strong around him. We've had four goodbyes since summer, but this was our last one for a while. I hope not forever.

I know that everyone thinks I'm so attached to him because of how I felt for him this summer, but its nothing like that now and hasn't been in months. In a way he forced me to grow up. I always felt the need to be more mature around him and I benefitted from that. He's helped me realize that my maturity isn't something to be ashamed of or to hide, and most times, it's appreciated.

So this is to you, Craig, for never giving up on me. I will truly miss you.

All my love,
Jill xx

I want love.
I want love so badly.

What if I never find it?

So I think I'm going to start to subject all of LJ posts with names of songs. I think it's a good way to give some insight as to what my post might be about.

I just read over all of my past posts from January up until June, maybe Julyish, and I'm so embarrassed by what I used to post about. Sure, it was my life at the moment, but looking back on it now I regret all the time and energy I put into what I thought "mattered." I'm ashamed. I don't remember myself being so...enamored by a single person and I don't think I can ever see myself being that way again. I'm not saying this as a good thing. I'm saying it as how I will never let someone take a hold on my life again.

I've finally discovered the person I am, or at least the person I want to be.
I want to be unattached. I want to be afraid to fall in love. I want to be carefree.
I don't want to be every guy's best friend. I want to feel like I have a chance.
And I'm halfway there.

I can't wait to go back to school and just be...me.
It's a new year, so why not a new start?

Oh and to my favorite Christmas present of all...Alyx. You've been just what I needed. A breath of fresh of air. It'll be me and you someday...someday.

This break has been absolutely amazing. I don't think I could ask for better friends to create these incredible memories with. You guys are the best friends I've ever had and leaving again is going to be so difficult. I love you guys and am missing you already.

BUFFALO HERE I COME! =)

It's rare that I ever update this thing, but I figured I would since I'm home with nothing to do.

My first semester of college was filled with so many ups and downs. I realized what true friendship really is. I met someone who will have changed my life forever. And by the looks of it, I may have even fallen in love.

The best part of college was definitely realizing that I no longer desired to be in a relationship. Sure it'd be nice, but at this point I just don't care anymore. I have standards, and there's no way in hell I'm going to compromise them for someone who isn't deserving of me.

It wasn't being at school that made me realize how much I've grown, but being home and spending time with old friends. We're all so different now, but our ties are tighter than ever. I don't know what I'd do without my "old school" friends. They've changed my life in so many ways.

I've finally cut those out of my life who no longer deserve to be there. They were like a cancer, infecting everything they touched. From this moment on, I'm not keeping in contact with them whatsoever. I'm off it. Funny how they both have the same name..

Being home has allowed me to rekindle old friendships/relationships and I'm glad that I've have the chance to do so.

I got over a fear this semester (twice!) and got my nose pierced. I've never had better confidence.

Also, photography has become my craft. It's something I have a genuine interest in and am also (semi)good at, I'm still quite the amateur. http://yadontsay.deviantart.com/gallery/

I've learned so much about myself this semester and only hope that next semester is just as good.
I couldn't imagine myself at any other school than Buffalo!

I can't believe I'm only getting around to this now when it is obviously long over-due.

In all honesty...I don't even know where to begin. A dedication is hard to come of. It has to be earned through lots of hard work and effort (or in this case...asked for). So here it goes. This ones for you, Dan.

Our friendship took off late in the summer of 2006 but became of great importance shortly there after. I would have never thought that I'd be as good of friends with you as I am now after meeting just once that very last night at the Castle.

I'm actually at a loss for words because there's not enough I could say that anyone who reads this could understand what a place you hold in my life, but I'll try and go on...just for you.

I remember seeing you that first time this summer and being nervous as to whether or not I should approach you or whatnot but I didn't have to make that decision because the second you saw me you ran to hug me. It was then I knew that this summer would be one I'd always remember. You were (and still are) my best friend this summer; my shoulder to lean on, my morning hug, my kiss on the forehead, my listening ear. You were always there for me, no matter what.

The saddest moment for me this summer was saying goodbye to you. You didn't make it easy on me. With your ever so positive, "We may never see eachother again," and your tears you hid ever so carefully behind your hat. Haha. Yes, I just told everyone you cried. I remember sitting there with you and talking about how we felt as if we had known eachother so much longer than we had in actuality. You were the first person I said goodbye to that day and the last since our day didn't actually go as planned, but most importantly you were the ONLY person I shed tears for. Not Craig, not Sophie, not anyone. Just you.

Now some number of thousands of miles away, you're still there. Just as if you'd been here this whole time. I'm so glad to have met you and to have your friendship in my life. You can make any of my dark days brighter and I don't know what I'd do without you.

You are by far more important than Craig or Abercrombie model, Dave.

Jill C <3 Dan Ray

Love you and miss you always. xx

I think Rob thinks we're dating. Actually, scratch that. I KNOW he thinks we're dating. And the worst part is...I dont' even know if I'm okay with that. I just might be...for now.

But what I really want to get into is Jake. I met him last Thursday really quick when we went up to his room because he's friends with my best friend, Cassie. I talked to him for like a minute maybe? We all hung out on Sunday and he and I just had this instant connection. We just got eachother. He dealt with my crude sense of humor and is one of the first people who's actually had the nerve to challenge me back.

Then he hung out with us pretty much all day Monday and he and I just kind of...bonded. The night before was the first night we'd officially met and I had already given him so much insight into my problems with Rob. He's one of those people that you meet and you just feel like you've known them you're entire life. Monday was just so much fun because he and I just laughed all day and had the funniest AIM conversation I think I've ever had and we just get along so well.

I didn't see him until dinner today when we asked him to sit with us because he was by himself and then he came and hung out in Cassie's room for a little bit. He left before everyone else did so he could try and get some work done. So we all went our separate ways. But I was in this guy's room with my friend Lindsey and I was incredibly bored and called Jake and asked him if he wanted to hang out and after arguing about what to do I told him to call back in 90 seconds and have a plan. He did. We decided to go out for a walk around campus.

We left around 9:15 and got back at midnight. We talked the entire time. We talked about everything. I couldn't believe the things I was telling him and how easily it all just came out. It was the first real and meaningful conversation I've had in months...or maybe ever. It was nice to talk to someone about everything I think about in my fucked up head and it was cool because he thinks about the same things too. He told me stuff he said he hasn't told anyone and it feels good to know that someone can confide in me.

He's like the male version of me. I can't wait for another walk.

Ok, so the subject of this post is a little bit off because I deffinitely wasn't a slut this weekend, but I am a bit confused as to what happened.

So there's this boy Pete. The gorgeousness of him is indescribable. He's friends with this guy Rob that my friend Cassie and I have been hanging out with. So I like Pete. Friday we went to go hang out with them and Pete's in this really shitty mood and we find out that his girlfriend JUST broke up with him. (Literally like that afternoon.) Of course I'm in shock that this bitch would even do such a thing but I guess now I can benefit from it. Anyway so we went to a soccer game and Cassie and I were not feeling the whole frat party thing so we just headed back to our dorm. Later that night Rob came to sleep over because he can't get on the whole party scene because of sports. Well we were all just laying on Cassie's bed and then all of a sudden...I was KISSING Rob! Like what the fuck?! I didn't even like this kid and I wasn't even drunk to say that the alcohol made me do it! Well fine it just happened whatever. So then he left Saturday morning. Okay..next.

Saturday morning Cassie meets Steve. Steve says he leaves down the hall from us. He totally doesn't. But whatever. He's hot and he's all up in Cassie's grill. About 10 minutes later there was a knock on Cassie's door. And on the door was a post-it-note with Steve's number on it. To make a long story short - She invited him over that night and didn't want him to think they were having sex so I had to invite Rob over and okay...we hooked up again. He slept over, and we slept together. No sex, thank you very much!

So now it's Sunday and I really didn't want to hang out with Rob being as I had seen him TOO much in the last few days. So we didn't make plans to hang out. I commented Pete on Facebook and told him we needed to hang out. So after a few IM's, numbers were exhanged and texts were sent. He didn't get over to the dorms until hmmm 10:45PM and of course he just had to drag Rob along with him...so no Pete hookup for Jill last night, Anyway...we were told that everyone was going to Rob and Pete's dorm to watch Anchorman, so we all went over there. Now there's this girl Jenny who's all over Rob and he's acting all into her. Not that I care, but we just hooked up...am I not good enough, Then I realized that he was trying to flaunt his shit with her because I had spent that afternoon with Jake and Jake and I were buddy/buddy. (Jake has a girlfriend, unfortunately.) But whatever. So Jake knows all the drama about my weekend and me liking Pete (who happens to be his cousin) and not so much Rob and proceeds to tell me that Pete could quite possibly be hooking up with some other girl, now I'm all kinds of angry and don't know what the hell is going on.

Now it's Monday and I have so much homework to do I could cry. It's not even funny.

I miss home. I miss Justin. I miss Steph and Amanda. Just wish it was vacation time.